(politico.com 3/15/10 

After John McCain’s Republican challenger in Arizona’s 2010 Senatorial race talked about man-horse marriage in a radio interview this past weekend, I had a flashback. When I was barely twelve years old—not quite at the age of puberty—daddy made a bizarre comment to me. “Johnny, I hope you haven’t been going down to the river with those boys who are screwing the nanny goat.”

I was absolutely innocent. I had never even kissed a goat. Still, I knew the reason that daddy brought up the subject. Goat-screwing was emblematic of the time, place and my friends. The goat in question was staked on Blakely Island in a clearing surrounded by shrubs, sawgrass and scrawny trees near the Mobile River. I had seen the goat and heard talk about what was going on, but it was all kind of mystifying. I was just a couple of years beyond the birds and bees phase of my childhood.

 

Daddy knew better than me what was happening because he owned a tiny grocery story called the Trading Post. It was Blakely Island’s gossip-central. “The Island” is a glorified sandbar a few hundred yards from downtown Mobile. Now an industrial site, it is bounded on the west by the river and on the east by Mobile Bay. During World War Two, a large housing project was built there to accomodate hundreds of Mobile Shipyard workers, many of whom moved to the city from farms and tiny rural towns in Alabama, Mississippi and other parts of the South. For reasons other than brilliance, I was a year or two younger that my farm-boy classmates. They were accustomed to inter-acting with multi-task animals. 

So it was on the island that I first heard of bestiality. Nonetheless, my knowledge is still limited. Senatorial candidate J.D. Hayworth obviously knows more about man-beast romance than me. Indeed, I was unaware that legalizing gay marriage opened the door for men in love who love horses. If true, it seems that marrying the equines creates serious logistical problems. For example, does the groom walk his bride down the aisle, or ride her? How about the ring? Will it be placed on the hoof, which requires a lot of gold, or will it be attached to the nose? And I hate to even think about carrying the bride across the threshold of the hotel room or stall on the couple’s wedding night—even if it’s a small horse. Is a king-size bed big enough for a horse? By itself, the horse head in The Godfather took up a lot of space.

Setting aside the logistics, there is another overriding question. Is J.D. Hayworth stupid? I realize that bestiality occurs—usually in rural areas. According to news reports earlier this year, a South Carolina man received a three year prison sentence after he was caught having sex with a horse for the second time. And in Washington state, a man died from injuries that were the result of sex with a horse. This gives new meaning to the word, ”neigh.”  When a horse says no, better get out of the barn in a hurry.

But back to J.D. Hayworth. He joins the parade of morons, who will say virtually anything to re-enforce their opposition to gay marriage. It’s funny since so many of these characters have problems with their own sexuality. Senator Larry Craig is arrested for gay cruising in an airport restroom. U.S. Representative Mark Foley plays sex games with Congressional pages. A California opponent of gay marriage is involved in a traffic accident outside a gay nightclub and admits to his sexual orientation. A Colorado mega-church preacher resigns after soliciting sex from a young man. On and on. What scares gay marriage opponents so much? By the way, Eric Massa—the most recent Congressman embroiled in a sex scandal—has indicated his support for same sex civil unions, although he has not yet been required to cast a vote on the issue.

Many of the ridiculous arguments we hear today about the dangers of gay marriage echo the opposition years ago when states repealed sodomy laws that were aimed everyone except missionaries. None of the fears expressed have come to pass. But if J.D. Hayworth is correct about man-horse nuptials, I want to attend the wedding ceremony.

It will be quite an event at the reception watching the groom and his family chomping down on hors d’oeuveres made with hay.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger is available at amazon.com and independent bookstores. It offers much more than $19.99 worth of laughs. It is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) career.