Maybe it’s the pollen in the air, but the first week of May receives high marks for moronic remarks. In a close race, Michael (heckuva of a job) Brown wins the stupidity sweepstakes for his oil rig spill consiracy theory. It  is the second major award for the former director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). In 2005, Brown received the nation’s highest award for governmental incompetence in recognition of his Katrina screw-ups in delaying FEMA’s response to the disastrous hurricane.

In an interview last week with Neil Cavuto on the Republican propaganda network, aka Fox Fox “News,” Brown theorized that the Obama Administration delayed its response to the Gulf of Mexico spill in an effort to halt off-shore drilling. In the first place, the U.S. Coast Guard immediately responded and received assurances from oil rig’s owner, British Petroleum, that the spill could easily be contained. When it became apparent that BP under-estimated the amount of oil spilling off Louisiana’s fragile coast line, the Administration immediately commited added resources. This was not Obama’s Katrina as many Republicans hoped.

Also undercutting Brown’s theory is the fact that the Administration recently endorsed additional off-shore drilling. Moreover, Obama called for only a temporary halt in exploration—a statement that drew sharp criticism from environmentalists. Given these facts, Neil Caputo deserves an award for poor journalism since he failed to challenge Brown, whose remarks were so stupid that Fox commentator Dick Morris even disputed the theory. For Morris to defend Obama on any issue is akin to seeing an Our Lady of Lourdes miracle.

However, Morris redeemed himself with the far right. The toe-sucking former political consultant advanced his own conspiracy theory—this one involving an alleged Obama plot to create voter alliances along racial lines by exploiting Arizona’s draconian immigration law. The problem with the theory, even if it were true, is Arizona beat the President to the punch. Despite a noble effort by Dick Morris, I can only award him honorable mention for stupidity. But he doesn’t need additional prizes. His walls are already covered with certificates for dumb claims.

Therefore, my choice for runner-up to Michael Brown in the most stupid competition is the editor of a blog called the Gateway Pundit. It reported last week that President Obama removed Times Square wannabe bomber Faisal Shahzad from the terrorist watch list in 2008. There is a slight difficulty in supporting the allegation. As anyone with the brain of a donkey knows, Obama was not President in 2008. Remarkably, the blog post got a little play from one of the cable networks. Readers of this blog will  jump to the conclusion that I’m going to name Fox “News.” By darn, they are correct.

I can’t let today’s awards pass without invoking the name of Rush Limbaugh, even though he is ineligible for citations. Otherwise, he would dominate the competition to the point that no one else could win. Nonetheless, I can’t ignore his claim that Faisal Shahzad is a Democrat. I guess Limbaugh has added pyschic to his credentials. Faisal never registered to vote.

Speaking of pyschotics—oops, I mean people with pyschic visions—Fox “News” talent scouts will be happy to know that many of my neighbors at the East Louisiana State Hospital are being sent home and told to check in with privatel menta health clinics to get treatment and receive their weekly allotments of medications. Privatizing treatment is all part of budget cutbacks being implemented by our esteemed Governor, Bobby Jindal—a man who may be as deluded as some of the asylum’s patients since he supposedly has plans of one day becoming President.

Anyway, if history repeats itself a lot of mental patients will forget to take their pills, qualifying them for one of four alternatives—a job with Fox “News” replacing Glenn Beck, a talk show on AM radio, starting a wing-nut blog, or wandering the streets aimlessly as a homeless vagrant.

They will probably choose the latter. 

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, is available at amazon.com and independent bookstores. It offers much more than $19.99 worth of laughs. It is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) career.