Many Republican politicians have a startling resemblance to Pavlov’s Dog. If Barack Obama burps, GOP leaders have a conditioned reflex to request the appointment of an Independent Counsel to investigate what food the President has consumed. In turn, the mainstream media reacts by escalating trivialities to the level of scandal in order for reporters to prove they are not kinfolk of Obama’s tail-wagging Portuguese Water Dog as often alleged by Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and other loonies institutionalized in the Fox “News” asylum.

The most recent bogus scandal involves the Administration “jobs” offered to discourage candidates from running in U.S. Senate Demoratic primaries in Pennsylvania and Colorado. In the Pennsylvania race, Bill Clinton acted as an itermediary to U.S. Representative Joe Sestak, telling him that a non-salaried White House advisory position would be available if he dropped out of the campaign against Arlen Spector and remained in the House. Sestak declined the offer and eventually unseated the incumbent. In Colorado, Andrew Romanoff was contacted by a top Presidential aide and asked if he was still interested in an Administration job he applied for in November 2008. He said no. Romanoff is the challenger to Obama-favored candidate Michael Bennett in the Democratic primary.

Republicans believe these overtures should be investigated by an Independent Counsel. Maybe age has made me overly pragmatic. But having been around politicians and politics for more than three decades, I can’t imagine why anyone would not expect the titular heads of either party—Democratic or Republican—to try to exert influence over the outcome of important elections. It is called leadership. Obama critics argue that before his election, he promised to avoid politics as usual. However, I don’t believe that pledge encompasses abandoning his role as leader of the Democratic Party—except for those who consider Newt Gingrich a political deity. In fact, nobody other than partisan politicians believes it is illegal or unethical for the Administration guard its self-interest.

As I write in Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger,  the Gingrich worshipers stomped on the cold body of a corpse 17 years ago to launch a costly brand of toxic politics that fell under the heading of Whitewater.        

The person most responsible for the Whitewater investigation was a dead Friend of Bill, an “FOB” as the President’s Arkansas pals were known. If Deputy White House Counsel Vincent Foster had conducted a news conference in July 1993 to announce his reasons for committing suicide, I doubt there would have been a Whitewater investigation, or stories of Presidential sex games, or reports of a semen-stained blue dress, or an impeachment, or the election of George W. Bush, or an endless war in Iraq. Nor would there have been sideshows like “Travelgate,” Hillary’s commodities profits, and other controversies that meant little and accomplished nothing more than costing taxpayers money. Kenneth Starr (Whitewater Independent Counsel) and his minions could have enjoyed pornography in private and spared the nation a debate over whether blow-job is one word, two words, or hyphenated.

My supposition is not a far stretch. Foster’s taste-test of the barrel of an ancient 38-caliber Colt revolver posthumously produced all sorts of sinister scenarios that were propagated by many characters I suspected of being escapees from mental hospitals. Near the top of the loony list were a few columnists of the otherwise respectable Wall Street Journal. The newspaper’s op-ed page was a repository of Whitewater disinformation, including conjecture that Foster was possibly murdered, or committed suicide because of his knowledge of dark Clinton secrets.

The Arkansas lawyer’s medically diagnosed clinical depression was disregarded as a factor in his death, although the condition has long been a cause of early exits from the living. Ludicrously, tabloid writers and conspiracy theorists suggested murder. Maybe at the behest of his former Rose law firm partner, Hillary. Maybe they were lovers. Maybe she broke off the relationship. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The rumors were nonstop.

Like horny rabbits, GOP Congressmen fathered the appointment of a warren of partisan Special Prosecutors—six to be precise—at a cost of well over $100-million. There were a few convictions for obscure crimes long forgotten and an impeachment that accomplished nothing more than making Monica Lewinsky part of the Clinton legacy.

Granted, there were highlights such as the special of Indiana GOP Congressman Dan Burton  assassination of a watermelon. He shattered the melon with a pistol shot to prove that Foster was murdered. Despite dead watermelons, the Kenneth Starr investigation concluded that Foster’s death was, indeed, the result of suicide.

Speaking of which, Chrisopher Ruddy, the most notorious of the “investigative reporters” perpetuating the Foster murder conspiracy theory, is trying to buy Newsweek. He is given little chance of succeeding in a bid to take over the nation’s second most read news magazine. While working in the Whitewater era for a Pittsburgh publication owned by drooling conservative billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife, Ruddy made a fool of himself writing dozens of articles trying to prove his murder theory. He now heads NewsMax.com, an Internet news site that is home for a bunch of wild and crazy right-wing pundits. If Ruddy fails in his bid to buy Newsweek, maybe he can revive the Vincent Foster fable.

After all, Foster’s ghost continues to have an impact on the Republican Party’s politics of wasting taxpayer money by creating a welfare program for Independent Counsels.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, is available at amazon.com and independent bookstores. It offers much more than $19.99 worth of laughs. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) career.