I knew this catastrophe was coming. And now that it has happened, we are going to have to accept the results and try to accept a new environment. Louisiana is no longer the home of the dumbest politics in America. In fact, our fair state has fallen to number three behind Illinois and the new champion of dumbness, South Carolina.
The long Appalachian Trail hike by the South Carolina Governor to visit an Argentine lover gave his state early momentum. It gathered steam (literally and figuratively) with the recent ignoble claims by two political operatives about alleged sexual liaisons with Republican gubernatorial nominee Nikki Haley. But dumbness victory clincher was the Democratic U.S Senatorial primary win by a candidate more obscure than a peach poacher in a South Carolina orchard—a guy so poor he would have to float a loan to pay a parking ticket, let alone come up with $10,000 to enter the race.
Speculation about Alfred M. Greene’s improbable nomination has resulted in a variety of theories ranging from political sabotage to election machine malfunctions. Under indictment on a pornography charge, he made no effort to gain more notoriety by campaigning for the nomination.
Greene’s freakish win has fueled suspicians by Democrats that he was a straw candidate recruited by Republicans to ease the way for the re-election of incumbent Jim DeMint. Regardless of the Democratic opponent, DeMint is a cinch to win—unless, of course, he is caught taking a long hike on the Appalachian Trail to meet a babe in some exotic country. And even under those circumstances, he would probably prevail.
Meantime, Greene’ opponent in the Democratic race, Vic Rawl, conducted a vigorous campaign by posting a video on youtube. Several neighbors claimed to recognize his name, which is probably true since he is a former state lawmaker. But because ”G” precedes “R” in the alphabet, Rawl’s name was printed second on the ballot, leading to conjecture that Greene may have won the election alphabetically. Voters felt an obligation to pull the lever for someone, even though they had never heard of either candidate.
I have long held the steadfast belief that four term Louisiana Commissioner of Insurance Sherman Bernard was first elected to office because his name begins with the letter, “B.” I have often nominated him as the dumbest politician ever elected to a state office anywhere, albeit a relatively obscure office even though it is responsible for regulating a multi-billion dollar business and providing protection for every consumer in Louisiana. Once in office, insurance commissioners manage to hang-on until they are indicted and sent to prison. Three consecutive Louisiana commissioners heard gates slam shut behind them.
If Alvin Greene is simply a straw candidate, who was put in the race to influence its outcome, South Carolina politians can take lessons from old hat Louisiana strategists. Indeed, the practice is so ancient in Louisiana that it has pretty much been abandoned in statewide politics.
The most famous of the Louisiana strawmen was Warren (Puggy) Moity. Although he never won an election, his name appeared on numerous ballots and he bought blocks of television time with OPM—other people’s money. In fact, I owe a debt of gratitude to Puggy. He helped re-enforce my belief in God.
In 1971 when I plugged the jug following a failed skid row audition, my finances were in a mess. The amount of indebtedness seems small today—only two or three thousand dollars. But at the time, it seemed like a mountain to climb. An important part of sobriety was getting my life in order by covering bad checks, staying current in paying child support and keeping creditors happy. So after finally finding a job, I contacted creditors like Baton Rouge’s then leading loan shark, Household Finance, and agreed to pay a set amount each month. The total amounted to $300. A relatively small sum, however, I had over-promised. And a time came when I couldn’t meet any portion of the obligation. Sitting in the living room of my apartment in near panic—an over-reaction, for sure— I muttered, “Oh, God. What should I do?”
Instantaneously, the phone rang. No, it wasn’t God. After all, I’m not Jimmy Swaggart or one of those TV preachers, who carries on back-and-forth conversations with the Lord. The caller was Brooks Read, a local public relations and advertising man specializing in political campaigns. Brooks ask if I was available to do a thirty-second television spot. He said he would pay me $300.00.
A short time later, I stood facing the camera while attacking Edwin Edwards, then running successfully for the first of his four terms as Louisana’s Governor. The TV spot was paid for by “Friends of Puggy Moity.” Or more accurately, opponents of Edwin Edwards. I had never done a television commercial before—political or otherwise—and I’ve never done one since. But the benevolent coincidence of the timing is memorable.
Too bad Puggy is not around anymore to help Louisiana retain its title as the state with the dumbest politics. Not that our politicians haven’t tried. The lawmaker sponsoring a bill to allow worshippers to pack heat in church could have enhanced our standing. But the measure was defeated. Bobby Jindal—no dummy—stumbled by falling prey to some GOP ventriliquist, who made him appear dumb during a nationally televised response to President Obama’s 2009 State of the Union speech. Our Governor has redeemed himself nicely during the Gulf oil spill crisis.
Louisiana’s last hope has been political consultant, James Carville. His Glenn Beck-like ranting on CNN in recent days makes him look like a comic book caricature of the Carville, who on occasion makes sense. But his effort is too little, too late. South Carolina wins the dumbness sweepstakes by a big margin.
Maybe November will bring a new team to help Louisiana regain the title.
My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, is available at amazon.com and independent bookstores. It offers much more than $19.99 worth of laughs. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) career.
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