Get your life in order. I have horrible news for 99.9 percent of the nation’s population that failed to watch Mike Huckaby’s recent show on the Fox “News” network. The end is near! Not for Huckaby’s program or Fox, both of which would be good news in my opinion. But for the world. Old smiley face himself, Tim LaHaye, revealed that President Obama’s policies are bringing us closer to the Apocalypse.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/28/tim-lahaye-evangelical-ch_n_662621.html
Fundamentalist preacher Tim LaHaye and co-author Jerry Jenkins have published several books about the Apocalpse—the most popular being the fictional novel, Left Behind. LaHaye’s doomsday prediction was prodded by former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckaby, a 2012 Presidential aspirant.
The Fox talk show host was a Southern Baptist minister prior to entering politics. I guess Huckaby decided to mix with sinners in the same manner as Jesus taking His meassage to prostitutes, thieves and other malefactors two millenniums ago. Although Huckaby says he believes parts of the Bible are allegorical, he still accepts the Good Book as inerrant.
So why is he planning for 2012? He seemed to sort of nod in agreement when LaHaye predicted that we were in the last days. And Revelations is pretty explicit about the coming Apocalypse. So by 2012, Obama will have inflicted whatever damage Lahaye claims is a forerunner to the end of times. After all, the President has been successful in passing legislation he promised to support during the 2008 campaign. Could it be that Huckaby expects to be “left behind” when the Rapture raises Christian believers to the great beyond.
I don’t know if Presbyterians will qualify. Just in case, though, I’m keeping my hair trimmed, fingernails clipped and using under-arm deordorant. According to LaHaye’s novel, we will be stripped of clothing during the Ascension. I wish my body was in better shape. If I die beforehand, I want to be cremated. That way I will get a new body. When restored in Heaven, perhaps God will make me taller, more muscular and better looking. I would like whiter teeth, too. No amount of flossing whitens my toothies.
I joke, of course. Or am I simply blasphemous? Actually, it is not difficult to believe that the end is near. Driving on I-20 through Alabama this weekend, I passed a billboard asking a stupid question in big print. WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE? Barack Obama’s “Certificate of Live Birth” is displayed on the Internet at thousands of sites such as the Los Angeles Times, as well as copies of contemporaneous newspaper notices of his birth.
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/06/obama-birth.html
At first, I was embarrassed to see the billboard in the state in which I grew up. Then it occured to me that the sign represents economic progress in Alabama—visible evidence that even morons in the state can afford to buy roadside billboards.
There is less encouraging news from Tennessee—the state where I was born. Republican U.S. Representative Zack Wamp has raised the issue of the nation’s states leaving the union in protest of President Obama’s policies.
Texas Governor Rick Perry previously talked about secession. But damn it, he has yet to follow through. Promises, promises. Anyway, with a name like “Zack Wamp,” the Tennessee congressman must mean business. This causes me worries since I don’t have my original birth certificate—only a certified copy. Does this mean I will have to acquire a Green Card? I know there are there are worse things than being deported to Tennessee. Just think of the people who migrated from Texas to other states and will have to go back. In Tennessee, I will at least be close to the Grand Ole Opry. Even so, my closest friends are here in Louisiana and I prefer to stay. Besides, BP oil gives my oyster poboys a unique flavor.
Finally, I can’t begin this week’s blog posts without warning readers of a national health hazard. It is called “Glenn Beck Disorder.” Seems that one of his nutso fans hoped to quicken the pace of the revolution that ”Dr.” Beck advocates. I pass along this info from Media Matters.
On July 18, an apparently deranged ex-convict named Byron Williams packed his truck with guns and allegedly set out to kill employees at both the ACLU and the Tides Foundation in the hopes that his actions would “start a revolution.” Williams’ mother indicated that her son was angry because of his unemployment and “what’s happening to our country.” According to her, Williams watched television news and was upset by “the way Congress was railroading through all these left-wing agenda items.” Sound familiar?
While the ACLU has long been a bogeyman for conservatives, the Tides Foundation is far more obscure and hasn’t earned nearly as much attention from the right-wing media. There is, however, one media figure who has made the little-known Tides Foundation a focal point of his attacks: Fox News’ Glenn Beck.
As we detailed, Beck has repeatedly demonized the Tides Foundation on his Fox News program – referencing the organization at least thirty times by our count. Beck often includes Tides in his bizarre conspiracy theories, and has referred to them as a “shady organization” that is a “major source of revenue for some of the most extreme groups on the left” and wants to “warp your children’s brains.”
In the wake of the attempted attack, Beck has stood by his attacks on Tides, going so far as to brag about “turning the light of day” on Tides while also pointing to their inclusion on his blackboard as “the first time that I really realized its success.”
Beck’s denial of any responsibility for this incident is complicated by his almost-daily use of overtly violent rhetoric. Among many, many other examples, Beck has:
- Suggested Obama is pushing America toward civil war and deliberately “trying to destroy the country.”
- Capped two weeks of violent fear mongering about progressives by warning that when their attempts at a “soft revolution” fail, eventually progressives “just start shooting people.”
- Said the “people around the president” support “armed insurrection” and “bombing.”
- Repeatedly insinuated that the Obama administration will kill him.
- Used a quote from Jefferson to launch into a warning about coming “rivers of blood.”
- Compared himself to “Israeli Nazi hunters” and announced that “to the day I die, I am going to be a progressive hunter.”
- Included in his advice to Liberty University grads that they should ”shoot to kill,” and that graduates “have a responsibility” tospeak out, or “blood…will be on our hands.”
- Informed viewers that the “world is on edge” and said that “those who survive” will “stand in the truth” and “listen.”
- Said that some progressive groups don’t have ”a problem with blood in the streets.”
And just recently, Beck claimed the present day will seem like good times “when we’re behind barbed wire and just eating rock soup.” Despite the fact that he routinely suggests progressives are going to kill or imprison his viewers and listeners, Beck tries to thread the needle by urging his followers not to resort to violence. As Media Matters’ Matt McLaughlin asked this week, what does it say about Beck’s rhetoric and his audience that he feels it necessary to tell his followers not to kill people?
The fact that Glenn Beck even has a sizeable number of people believing him strongly suggests to me that the Apocalypse must be close. It is certainly better evidence than the Obama agenda.
My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, is available at amazon.com and independent bookstores. It offers much more than $19.99 worth of laughs. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) career.
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