Lawmen in Zanesville, Ohio are tracking and shooting  exotic animals. My advice to Republican presidential candidates is avoid being anywhere near Zanesville for the next several days. Being a card-carrying political masochist, I watched the GOP debate televised from Las Vegas Tuesday night and saw some pretty exotic creatures.

Mitt Romney must have felt like a character in one of those old movies in which an airplane crashes in the jungle and survivors find themselves surrounded by wild beasts and weird threatening tribes. Not even Romney’s protective Mormon underwear could protect him from the onslaught of the oddball animals surrounding him. Granted, the former Massachussets Governor has a strange affliction causing him to speak double-talk. But he was the only viable candidate on the stage.  

Indeed, I had to keep reminding myself during the debate that these creatures aspire to be leaders of the free world—or so they say. Herman Cain is simply trying out new comedy materia. He doesn’t even have a campaign organization. Rick Santorum is trying to raise money to buy a revival tent and build a following as a Catholic Jimmy Swaggart (watch out for shady ladies, Rick). Serial adulterer Newt Gingrich just likes to show people how smart he think he is. Ron Paul’s presence is evidence that people at the home allow him out at night. And Michele Bachmann is auditioning to become the spokeswoman for a toothpaste commercial.

Now, who does that leave to oppose Mitt Romney? Oh, yeah, that guy from Texas with the corn cob posture, Governor Rick Perry. He’s the dude offering an answer to the economic crisis. If everybody would run outside and dig a hole in the ground, oil will come flowing out. End of crisis.

Governor Perry is a living example of every dumb Texas A&M joke. And in Louisana alone, there are tens of thousands of such witticisms. His campaign advisors made a horrible mistake at the outset of Perry’s campaign. They have allowed him to speak. He would have been more effective if aides told him to be the strong silent type by nodding his head knowingly and saying in Texas style, “Let’s step outside, boys, and settle this argument like real men.”

Rick Perry has plummetted so fast in the polls that he is down to one supporter, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal—one of the nation’s leading advocates of stupidity. The Ivy League educated Rhodes scholar wants to make certain that everyone in Louisana is dumber than he is. Hence, he has reduced spending for education, refused to apply for federal grants for pre-kindegarten school programs and has taken other steps to ensure his state remains near the bottom of scholastic achievement in state rankings. 

Blinded by ambition to hold higher office and his eagerness to get the hell out of Louisiana before people realize the damage he has done to the state , Governor Smarty Pants was the first in line to endorse the presidential candidacy of Rick Perry. A day after the endorsement, Jindal was attending the presidential debates in Florida doing his favorite thing—stalking television cameras, a Jindal addiction that got out of control during the BP oil spill crisis.  

Presumably, Governor Smarty Pants now knows he will not be Vice President in the Perry Administration. In fact, the more I watch the GOP debates, the more I believe the Party has only one man running for office who is qualified and voters outside my home state have heard of him—unless they watch Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and/or the Colbert Report.

So all you Republicans better start sending former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer $100.00, the maximum he will accept.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.