Gotcha! Again!

For forty years, Iowa voters have suckered news media political pundits and reporters into freezing their butts off while travelling the farmlands in pursuit of presidential wannabes. Fortunately, I spent only a couple of days in the state—dispatched by CNN in the 1996 campaign to do a one-on-one interview with GOP Senator Bob Dole as part of an in-depth story I was reporting for our Special Assignment Unit.

Unlike the current election cycle when candidates are begging to be interviewed, Dole was being evasive. As I recall, producer Bill Smee and I followed him and his campaign bus to appearances at a Rotary luncheon, a hardware store and a couple of other small venues wondering to ourselves, “Why is God punishing us?”

Anyway, we pinned him down for a time and place to do the interview, and I remembered the most important advice given to me—extend my left hand to shake hands because of Senator Dole’s war-connected disability. My only other recollection is “boring.”

I’m certain, however, that Iowans welcome the attention even though fewer than five percent of the state’s eligible voters participate in the caucus at 1,874 precincts in schools, other public buildings and private homes. But given a choice of getting out in the cold night, most folks opt to stay home and watch Celebrity Wife Swap. They have already had their fun being interviewed on TV at diners, fairs, on the street and places where candidates lurk in the weeks leading up to the caucus.

More importantly, television stations, and other media and advertising outlets—praise be to five members of the U.S. Supreme Court and the Citizen’s United decision—along with hotels, restaurants, service industries, etc. have given a big boost to Iowa’s economy. So besides the financial windfall, what do the caucuses accomplish? I guess the narrowing of the field of candidates makes the debates more bearable and substantive.

Texas Governor Rick Perry returns to Austin, sobbing on the narrow shoulders of Bobby Jindal, the smarty-pants Ivy League and Rhode’s Scholar Louisiana Governor who received advanced academic degrees in accumulating frequent flyer miles. Jindal was the first political figure to endorse Perry. Believers in creationism and skeptics of global warming, Perry and Jindal could run as a third party team on the “Ignoramus Ticket.”

Congressperson Michele Bachmann has also retired from the race, an indication of the small number of “fish wives” in Iowa, her primary constituency. That’s not surprising in farm country. So what’s left?

The last Republican timber still standing are an animated department store mannequin with the ability to change colors in an eye blink (Mitt Romney), a weird former U.S. Senator who probably got beat up a lot in school (Rick Santorum) and an elderly congressional clown who interrupts drools by declaring his opposition to living on this planet (Ron Paul). Granted, there is a serial adulterer still in the race (Newt Gingrich), and a one-percenter who offends other candidates by talking sensibly (Jon Huntsman).

Presumably, a segment of Americans had a passing interest in the Iowa farce. It was hard to escape given the media’s obsession with the mind set of less than one-half of one percent of the nation’s voters. Most entertaining for me was watching CNN coverage. The network’s political team relied on an array of digital do-dads designed to thoroughly confuse viewers. After watching Wolf Blitzer, John King and an army of pundits cite a barrage of numbers and statistics that continually appeared on the screen, I began to suspect that my former employer was in on the joke.

The laughs now continue in New Hampshire where I predict that voters will hear the name, Buddy Roemer, and exclaim, “Who?”

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.