“Family values” Republican David Vitter took to the pulpit this week to rail against the Obama Administration’s policy requiring religious institutions—Catholics, in particular—to provide contraceptives to women as part of their health care insurance. I’m shocked that the U.S. Senator from my homestate of Louisiana failed to wear a paper sack over his head when criticizing the President’s policy.
Given the number of news reports about Senator Vitter’s relationships with shady ladies, lecture on religious beliefs would play better in a Saturday Night Live comedy routine, rather than a Washington news conference. But there are no limits to his hypocrisy. Like a lot of sleazeballs, Vitter—a Roman Catholic—has an underdeveloped conscience. This is ironic since Catholic conscience has become central argument in opposing the Obama policy.
More to the point. If, in fact, Senator Vitter failed to insist on the use of contraceptives during his amorous illicit adventures, the nation can look forward a couple a decades hence to a crop of right-wing children hauling placards around at Tea Party rallies.
I’m a Protestant and won’t offer an opinion on the Obama policy. As the father of nine children, acquaintances sometimes ask if I’m Catholic. I tell them I’m just a horny Presbyterian. “Was” is a more accurate description of my romantic inclinations. I’m a geezer, who hasn’t thought about contraceptives for many years. And besides, two of my sons are adopted and three are stepchildren.
Which naturally brings me to the subject of toe-sucking. Actually, there is no easy transition to the topic.
I was startled to learn this week that the contraceptive issue brought a thought to my mind that was similar to speculation by Dick Morris, the Looney Tunes pundit for the Republican Propaganda Network, aka Fox “News.” Morris wondered if Obama political operatives planted a question by ABC’s George Stephanopoulos during the televised January Republican debate in New Hampshire.
Out of the blue, Stephanopoulos asked Mitt Romney about his views on contraception. The department store mannequin and his fellow GOP candidates were quite surprised at the seemingly off-the-wall question, which was asked weeks prior to Administration’s disclosure of its contraceptive policy. The timing prompted Morris to hypothesiz this week that Obama’s people wanted Romney on the record in advance of the announcement.
What bothers me is I had the same suspicion as Morris—a former Bill Clinton advisor and infamous toe-sucker.
Based on Morris’ actions after the incident with a prostitute during the 1996 Democratic National Convention, I assumed that toe-sucking had caused him brain damage. Like Tiger Woods’ former caddie Steve Williams—a non-toe-sucker, as far as I know—Morris has spent a lot of time trashing his former boss. And getting paid well by Fox to do so.
Admittedly, I’ve sucked a few toes. But I was three months old. My fetishes since that time have been more along the lines of trying to toss the dish cloth from the kitchen all the way into the laundry room after performing my husbandly chores of washing dishes. That seems innocent enough. So why am I engaging in conjecture that is much the same as a toe-sucker?
What worries me most, though, is discovering that pill-popping Rush Limbaugh agrees with Dick Morris. And me.
My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. firstname.lastname@example.org.