Former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives and 2012 Republican presidential also-ran Newt Gingrich has announced he will campaign to succeed Pope Benedict XVI, who today announced his February 28th resignation.
Former Southern Baptist Gingrich converted to Roman Catholicism in 2009. He said today that his conversion four years ago was in anticipation of a vacancy at the top of the Vatican hierarchy. “Granted, I’m a newcomer to the church. But I’ve learned more about Catholicism in recent years than all the Cardinals combined. After all, I’m a famous historian and former Assistant Professor at West Georgia College for four years.”
Gingrich challenged Catholic Cardinals seeking the Pope post to debate him—the only contingency being that the debates be televised on Fox “News” and conducted in the English language. “Although I’m fluent in Latin and most other languages of the world, I want the average Joe to understand the advances I propose for the Church.”
The former congressman does not feel his past transgressions should be held against him, particularly his serial adultery and habit of abandoning sickly spouses. Multiple divorces are actually an advantage. Technically, his third marriage may not be recognized in the eyes of the church and he can qualify as a single man without bothering to get an annulment.
“Let ye that is without sin cast the first Viagra pill. Keep in mind that I only shacked up with consenting adult women,” he said. “Nobody ever accused me of pedophilia or homosexual acts. And besides, I spent 88 straight hours in a confession booth. I was instructed by the priest to recite so many ‘Hail Mary’s” that I finally recorded them on a continuous audio loop.”
Gingrich said his use of digital equipment in praying for forgiveness is just one example of the modern technology he will bring to the Church. Indeed, his campaign for Pope is based on a “Contract with Catholics,” a policy statement similar to his 1994 “Contract with America” as the leader of Republican takeover of the House of Representatives.
If the release of white Vatican chimney smoke signals Gingrich’s election to lead the church, he said his first action will be to estaablish a Catholic colony on the moon—a project that drew considerable ridicule when he made the proposal as a presidential candidate. Gingrich says he is not quite certain why a Catholic moon colony is needed, but he will think up a reason before implementing the plan. His current thinking is it will move the faithful closer to God. No doubt, many folks would support sending Newt to the Moon.
At this early date, there are no other American politicians in the Pope race. Perpetual Presidential candidates Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann are Lutherans, and Texas Governor Ron Perry is Baptist. Former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum is Catholic, but may be too devout for even the most conservative leader of the church.
A dark horse might be Bobby Jindal who is Catholic. However, the fulltime frequent flyer, part-time Louisiana Governor and boy exorcist continues to live under the delusion that he will be elected President in 2016.
Campaigning for Pope may be a more realistic option for Jindal.
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