I don’t know for sure if President Obama prays to Jesus, Allah or some other Deity. Regardless, his prayers are answered. Just look at what is happening in the Republican presidential primary race. If it keeps up, no candidate will be left standing when the 2012 Republican National Convention convenes August 27th in Tampa, Florida.

And even if Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney—currently, the two leading candidates—survive the vicious political knife fight, both are so badly wounded that voters will likely take them off life-support in spite of  desperate efforts by spin doctors to revive one of the men with huge sums of money transfusions from Citizens United  inspired Super Pacs. At this point in the election year, Democrats of all religious persuasions are beginning to thank their Higher Powers for the sudden reversal in the Party’s November prospects.

I’m a Presbyterian, the January Liturgist for services at my small church in West Baton Rouge Parish. But despite my “good works” spending a total of fifteen minutes during the month leading our Sunday rituals, I haven’t won a single lottery, though I promised God to give an extra hundred dollars to the church if He (or She) would let me win one of the $100-million jackpots. In fact, I will settle for a million—or much less.

Joking aside, the viciousness that Gingrich and Romney have displayed in the GOP primary debates has been remarkable. Given the distortions and outright falsehoods perpetuated by both men, I have begun to suspect that both men received training from Fox “News,” aka the Republican Propoganda Network. Students attending the classes have been so successful in the confines of the GOP’s lunatic fringe that Fox is considering changing its “Fair and Balanced” slogan to “How to Lie and Get Away With It.”

Should such an event take place, the network will undoubtedly face a lawsuit from pill-popper Rush Limbaugh and his ilk. Indeed, AM radio is mainly responsible for the tenor of much of hateful dialogue that defines politics nowadays. Never was this more apparent than watching the South Carolina debate in which serial adulterer Gingrich received rousing ovations for comments tinged with racism. The Tea Party was out in force in the state, which still displays the Confederate Flag outside its Capitol and was the first to secede from the Union after Abraham Lincoln was elected President. Not that South Carolinans are completely adverse to black folks.

The late South Carolina segregationist Strom Thurmond—the longest serving U.S. Senator in history—fathered an African-American child and provided a few bucks of financial assistance for her college education and other needs. Even so, I doubt the daughter took much pride in daddy for setting a congressional record by filibustering the Civil Rights Act of 1957. Thurmond’s tradition is carried forward by Republican voters in the state, Tea Partiers in particular.

Next up is Florida, and the audience mood during Monday night’s debate in Tampa was considerably different than South Carolina. NBC’s Brian Williams, the moderator, banned applause and other demonstrations. Consequently, the response was solemn to Gingrich’s zingers—and for that matter, the feeble attempts to appear tough by department store mannequin Romney. Maybe the silence will prompt the two candidates to abandon gutter politics.

That’s too bad from the standpoint of the President. Every little bit of Republican idiocy is an answer to Obama’s prayers. And for endangered lawmakers in his party. Since a lot of congressman are Presbyterians, I will continue my weekly trek to West Baton Rouge parish. Besides, anyone who has read the New Testament knows that Jesus was a Democrat. 

So I’m delaying my search for the nearest mosque.

Actually, Harry S Truman said, “Get out of the kitchen.” Though not original, the old adage has regularly been attibuted to the late President. I believe, however, that my slightly altered version applies in the case of serial adulterer Newt Gingrich.

The disgraced former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representives went ballistic when questioned at the beginning of Thursday night’s debate about an ABC interview in which wifey number two accused him of asking her to consent to an “open marriage” so that he could continue romping in the hay with pretty little Callista Bisek—then a congressional aide, now Gingrich’s wifey number three. He wanted a newer model in case he ran for President. Marianne Gingrich refused to be part of her husband’s harem.

I don’t know if there was a  connection, but she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a few months before. Maybe Gingrich has an aversion to sick wives. He dumped his first wife while she was in a hospital recovering from cancer. Nice guy.

Self-righteously, poor put upon Newt attacked meany moderator John King for raising the issue Thursday evening, even though the prurient political story was getting big play in the daily news cycle. The tale of tail was only slightly behind Texas Governor Rick Perry’s departure from the GOP race, and Rick Santorum belatedly being declared the winner of the Iowa caucus by an overwhelming margin of 34 votes.

Fair warning. I’m going to get in a couple of plugs for my non-best selling memoir in this blog post. I’ve been there, done that—interviewed ex-spouses, reported an exposé on the eve of an election, and had my own sins exposed in newspapers, magazines and leaked by political operatives who didn’t appreciate my muckraking. 

http://www1.salon.com/news/1998/04/cov_17newsb.html

The Salon article is mild compared to reality—a sad tale of decadence I disclose in my memoir. But after a failed audition on New Orleans’ skid row, I got sober and have spent four decades redeeming myself. I believe in forgiveness from below and above. I’ve gotten my share. But if anybody wants to call me a degenerate drunk, or a Derelict Gunslinger, they have grounds. Anyway, buy the damn book and read all about it.

Back to the controversy at hand. I question John King’s judgment in opening the debate with the question. In front of an audience that included Tea Partiers, Fox “News” viewers, Rush Limbaugh fans, and people who distrust the mainstream media, the peek behind Newt’s zipper came prematurely and gave him an opportunity to play to the boos and catcalls of the crowd. After all, most of these folks confuse facts with partianship. And Newt was ready with a tirade I’m certain he rehearsed prior to the debate.

But make no mistake about it, the question should have been asked since it received so much play earlier in the day. Gingrich’s whine about the timing of the question two days before the vote was misdirected. ABC, not CNN, did the interview with wife number two for Nightline, and began airing teasers in its newscasts and putting out news releases. Why, I don’t know. It was an old story. Marriane added nothing to an interview she gave Vanity Fair a year ago.

Oddly, the interview was done by ABC’s chief investigative correspondent, Brian Ross. Where was the investigation? I don’t like criticizing Brian. He is a former colleague. We worked together at Miami’s NBC affiliate  back in the 1970’s and remained friendly after moving onward and upward. I’m puzzled why he and ABC News regurgitated an old  story two days before the election.

The timing would not have been so bad if he had broken new ground. I faced a similar dilemma early in my muckraking career. Thirty-eight years ago as a radio newsman—yes, there once were investigative reporters working for radio stations—I was faced with the issue of breaking an embarrassing story on a local congressman a few days before an election. The guy was a sure winner, regardless of what I revealed. Fearing my story would be perceived as a desperate effort to influence the vote, I suggested that we hold the story until after the election.

My boss set me straight. The late Douglas Manship and his family owned radio stations, television stations and both Baton Rouge newspapers. Having a friendly congressman in Washington was to his advantage. But as I wrote in Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, he told me to forget about criticism.

“I don’t care if people consider the timing political. We don’t withhold information from voters. They can make their own judgments about the man’s character.”

Anyone who cares, should already be aware of Newt Gingrich’s character. It ain’t a pretty picture. ABC News simply provided a new venue for his former spouse to unleash her bitterness, which is already well known. Indeed, I have no problem relying on ex’s to dump on husbands and/or wives. As I noted in my book—Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, in case you’ve forgotten—the source of my first ever TV story was an embittered wife.

I disclosed “intimate” details of a sting operation targeting a lecherous local judge who spent large sums of money on party girls―one of whom happened to be a longtime IRS snitch. A lover’s quarrel inspired her to exact revenge by providing revenue agents details of the jurist’s lavish lifestyle. An investigation disclosed that his fun and games were supported by a few lawyers who regularly appeared in his courtroom. The IRS probe put the playboy’s job, reputation and freedom in jeopardy. Not to mention his marriage.

When the judge failed to return telephone calls, I showed up at his home. I discovered he was no longer welcome there. So I convinced his indignant spouse to share feelings about her wayward husband’s peccadilloes. In a Jerry Springer-like “exclusive,” the woman said something to the effect that he was a no-account son-of-a-bitch, and she would take great pleasure in performing surgery on his genitals.

Five years later in another town, I relied on another ex-wife for information that helped form the basis of a story that won me a New England Emmy for investigative reporting. She showed me bank statements and income tax records disclosing that her spouse made pay-offs to Boston’s Mayor in return for city contracts.

So guys and gals, be careful when you dump your spouses and run off with lovers. It can come back to haunt you—over and over and over again. When its dumped on your doorstep, don’t blame the messenger. Man up. Or Woman up.

Newt, you had your fun. So quit bitching.  

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

CNN devoted five minutes Wednesday morning to analyzing the moronic views on international affairs expressed by Texas Governor Rick Perry, the man hired by the Republican Party to bring comic relief to endless televised debates preceding the eventual coronation of an animated mannequin to oppose Barack Obama in the November elections.  CNN’s pundits were pondering Perry’s ignorant remarks about cutting off foreign aid to Turkey.

PERRY:

“When you have a country [Turkey] that is being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists, when you start seeing that type of activity against their own citizens, then yes, not only is it time for us to have a conversation about whether or not they belong to be in NATO, but it’s time for the United States, when we look at their foreign aid, to go to zero with it.”

The Washington Post fact checker described Perry’s comment as ”the most jaw-dropping statement” of the Monday night debate. The column explained:

The ruling party of Turkey is moderately Islamic, but it generally has not interfered with the country’s secular traditions. While Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has prodded the leadership about its commitment to media freedoms, few analysts — if any — would say the Turkish leadership is made up of “Islamic terrorists.” We really have no idea what Perry is talking about.

Nor does Rick Perry. Turkey is wealthy country and the relatively small amount of U.S. aid it receives falls into the category of military public relations money. Anyway, the long-winded CNN discussion about Perry’s comment begs the question, ”Who gives a shit what he thinks about U.S. foreign policy?”

Or anything else relating to national policies. Oh, I forgot. Louisiana Governor Bobby (Smarty Pants) cares—allegedly. But I have a theory about Governor Smarty Pants supporting Perry until the Texan returns to Austin to sign more death row warrants. It’s Jindal’s warped sense of humor.

Movie plot cliches regularly feature smart guys snickering behind the backs of lesser brain-endowed foils, who don’t realize how dumb they are. Dinner for Schmucks is the most recent example. The usual punchline is the dumb guy outsmarts the jokester. That will not happen with Perry.

Ivy League educated Rhodes Scholar Jindal can entertain friends for years to come with anecdotes of how he help convince Perry to run for President. Smarty Pants may get his comeuppance if he falls for the joke of pill-popping Rush Limbaugh, who consistently praises my state’s television camera-stalking Governor as a future candidate for President. “Of what,” I ask.  

Not surprisingly, the national news media has also fallen for the Jindal hoax—especially cable news networks. Why not? For months, the so-called mainstream media has treated Perry like a serious candidate. The same is true with Congressman Ron Paul, the crazy uncle who spouts the Ayn Rand philosophy of every man for himself or woman for herself.

Rick Perry and Ron Paul have as much chance of being elected President in 2012 as some crazy preacher ranting on a French Quarter street corner in New Orleans. Go away. Please! Join Sarah Palin for some kind of crazy political menage a trois. Fox News, aka the Republican Propaganda Network, would pay big bucks for the rights.

Come to think of it, so would CNN. In the years since I left the granddaddy of cable news, the network has descended to a level only slightly above its rival. But I don’t want to sound like a cynic. There is good news to report.

In the unlikely event that mannequin Mitt is elected President, everybody earning below his poverty line of $362,000 a year—”the not very much” income Romney derived from his 2010 speaker fees—may be declared eligbile for welfare and food stamp assistance.

Every little bit helps, so send me an application.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.