Gotcha! Again!

For forty years, Iowa voters have suckered news media political pundits and reporters into freezing their butts off while travelling the farmlands in pursuit of presidential wannabes. Fortunately, I spent only a couple of days in the state—dispatched by CNN in the 1996 campaign to do a one-on-one interview with GOP Senator Bob Dole as part of an in-depth story I was reporting for our Special Assignment Unit.

Unlike the current election cycle when candidates are begging to be interviewed, Dole was being evasive. As I recall, producer Bill Smee and I followed him and his campaign bus to appearances at a Rotary luncheon, a hardware store and a couple of other small venues wondering to ourselves, “Why is God punishing us?”

Anyway, we pinned him down for a time and place to do the interview, and I remembered the most important advice given to me—extend my left hand to shake hands because of Senator Dole’s war-connected disability. My only other recollection is “boring.”

I’m certain, however, that Iowans welcome the attention even though fewer than five percent of the state’s eligible voters participate in the caucus at 1,874 precincts in schools, other public buildings and private homes. But given a choice of getting out in the cold night, most folks opt to stay home and watch Celebrity Wife Swap. They have already had their fun being interviewed on TV at diners, fairs, on the street and places where candidates lurk in the weeks leading up to the caucus.

More importantly, television stations, and other media and advertising outlets—praise be to five members of the U.S. Supreme Court and the Citizen’s United decision—along with hotels, restaurants, service industries, etc. have given a big boost to Iowa’s economy. So besides the financial windfall, what do the caucuses accomplish? I guess the narrowing of the field of candidates makes the debates more bearable and substantive.

Texas Governor Rick Perry returns to Austin, sobbing on the narrow shoulders of Bobby Jindal, the smarty-pants Ivy League and Rhode’s Scholar Louisiana Governor who received advanced academic degrees in accumulating frequent flyer miles. Jindal was the first political figure to endorse Perry. Believers in creationism and skeptics of global warming, Perry and Jindal could run as a third party team on the “Ignoramus Ticket.”

Congressperson Michele Bachmann has also retired from the race, an indication of the small number of “fish wives” in Iowa, her primary constituency. That’s not surprising in farm country. So what’s left?

The last Republican timber still standing are an animated department store mannequin with the ability to change colors in an eye blink (Mitt Romney), a weird former U.S. Senator who probably got beat up a lot in school (Rick Santorum) and an elderly congressional clown who interrupts drools by declaring his opposition to living on this planet (Ron Paul). Granted, there is a serial adulterer still in the race (Newt Gingrich), and a one-percenter who offends other candidates by talking sensibly (Jon Huntsman).

Presumably, a segment of Americans had a passing interest in the Iowa farce. It was hard to escape given the media’s obsession with the mind set of less than one-half of one percent of the nation’s voters. Most entertaining for me was watching CNN coverage. The network’s political team relied on an array of digital do-dads designed to thoroughly confuse viewers. After watching Wolf Blitzer, John King and an army of pundits cite a barrage of numbers and statistics that continually appeared on the screen, I began to suspect that my former employer was in on the joke.

The laughs now continue in New Hampshire where I predict that voters will hear the name, Buddy Roemer, and exclaim, “Who?”

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

It’s that time a year again when part time Christians whine about Christ being taken out of Christmas. Where are these folks the rest of the year? With a few exceptions, the “Christian” right has been absent while Democrats attempt to chase the money changers from the temples of Wall Street and/or offer crumbs to the downtrodden.

Texas Governor Rick Perry proclaims himself to be a Christian in his infamous television commercial promising to block gays from openly serving in the military, return prayer to public schools (as if it ever left), and restore the nation to its Christian roots. I realize that Governor Perry represents the brain-addled segment of evangelicals, a group led by his Baptist buddy, the Reverend Robert Jeffress who described Mormons as a “cult” in expressing doubts about Mitt Romney’s spiritual qualification to be President. Perry disavowed the “cult” label, displaying instead  his ignorance of statements included in a Romney book. But give him a break. After all, C-average Perry is a graduate of Texas A&M. And besides, he now has a smart guy around to pry his foot from his mouth.

Louisiana Governor Bobby (Smarty Pants) Jindal—an Ivy League educated Rhodes Scholar—added some more Frequent Flyer miles to his trove by arriving in Iowa to help Perry. Almost immediately, Governor Smarty Pants had to interrupt Perry when he mischaracterized an element of the tax reform plan he plans to implement in the unlikely event, God forbid, he were elected President.

The Christian brotherhood of Jindal and Perry falls into the odd couple category—bright and dim, Catholic and fundamentalist Protestant, a man of color and redneck farm boy. The spiritual glue that binds them together is apparently the willingness of both Governors to exploit religion for political benefit. Perry produces political commercials professing his faith. And when not stalking network television cameras for a little face time, Jindal travels around Louisiana visiting churches to proclaim his Christian beliefs and secure votes from congregations that are certain the nation is hell bound.

Perry, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum pretty much run neck-and-neck in the ”I’m the best Christian” competition. At least the two Mormons, Romney and Jon Huntsman remain relatively silent on religious issues. They’ve done their good deeds serving as missionaries in faraway lands. Ron Paul? Who the hell knows? He belongs to the church of Ayn Rand. And Buddy Roemer? Buddy the Methodist is still out there in the wilderness.

Finally, there is the Jimmy Swaggart of the presidential race. Newt Gingrich is “the forgiven.” Like the infamous television evangelist, Newt had his tear-stained “I have sinned against you my Lord.” And also like Brother Jimmy, serial adulterer Gingrich sinned again and again.

I don’t mean to sound like a heathen in my criticism of Republican situational Christians. Nearly every Sunday morning, I show up at a little Presbyterian church to worship God as I understand him. Indeed, I’ve read the Bible cover-to-cover more than once. Based on what I hear from the GOP and many of their supporters—hey, tea partiers, I’m talking about you—I wonder if sections of my Bibles have been deleted. Especially the New Testament.

Ironically, the resurrection of Newt Gingrich is a reminder of my CNN reporting on the bogus Whitewater scandal a decade and a half ago—the $70-million political farce orchestrated by Kenneth Starr, the religious fundamentalist who could not distinguish between sin and crime. It was an era in which Republicans led by House Speaker Gingrich abandoned any semblance of a conscience.

In a political environment similar to the current GOP strategy of “defeat President Obama at any cost,” opponents of Bill Clinton took the low road, aligning themselves with the “Christian” right and the late Reverend Jerry Falwell. As I wrote in my non-best selling memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, Falwell was the primary promoter of the most un-Christian documentary I can recall seeing.

The Clinton Chronicles was an idiot’s guide to character assassination. It featured a cast of right-wing characters who made the 2004 “Swift Boat” attacks on Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry’s military record seem like a tribute. Vigorously promoted by the late Jerry Falwell, the so-called documentary was a forum for the crackpot fantasies of a former Arkansas segregationist judge, a low-ranking ex-Arkansas state employee, a loopy former congressman, and a hodgepodge of drooling characters unable to discern truth from fiction―as if they cared.

I know it’s customary to say something nice about the dearly departed. But based on pre-Whitewater encounters with the Reverend Jerry Falwell―a topic for a later chapter―I have to rely on the cliché, “He didn’t seem to sweat a lot for a fat man.” Watching the jowly TV preacher bear false witness for the benefit of his disbanded Moral Majority and brainwashed Rush Limbaugh malcontents, I wondered what Jesus would do―WWJD? If Jerry arrived at his hoped for Heavenly home, an entry surely requiring generous dispensation, he probably knows what Jesus would not do, WJWND. He would not lend His name to smears by harebrained lunatics in $34.95 DVD’s.

So 17 years later, here we are again—candidates and supporters posing as Christians for political gain. And an occasional leader of the pack is Newt Gingrich, the man who brought congressional gridlock to the American people.

What we need is a Muslim President. Oh, I forgot. Just joking

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com. 

Beginning in late February, I will be leading an adult LSU Continuing Education class titled From Watergate to Muffingate. Less mysterious than the title is the subject matter—what happened to television news?

Since the classes are designed for the 50 and older demographic, the collective memory of most participants will have been exposed to the “good old days” when local newscasts covered substantive stories, broadcast networks were something other than interruptions of pharmaceutical ads, and cable news networks employed more correspondents than pundits.

In most television markets, local news has become a bad joke—the most recent example being WGNO in New Orleans, which laid off part of its staff to focus on “News with a Twist.” 

http://www.nola.com/tv/index.ssf/2011/12/wgno_layoffs_accompany_news_wi.html

WGNO’s News Director explained the new format in terms that should make any journalist cringe. “It’s a great alternative if you are tired of traditional news.” In other words, the station doesn’t want to bore people by reporting what’s happening in town—a city that has one of the nation’s highest murder rates. The station’s news executive pointed out his job is to please advertisers, not inform viewers.

Sad to say, WGNO is part of a large chain of TV stations—the Chicago based Tribune Broadcasting Corporation—and if ”News with a Twist” is successful in New Orleans, the format will spread to other Tribune-owned newsrooms. Because success breeds imitation, variations of WGNO’s no news is good news style will then spread across the country.

Speaking of which, brings me to a New York Times media column several weeks ago, suggesting that local television was on the comeback trail. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/22/business/media/newly-flush-local-tv-newscasts-are-expanding.html?ref=television

The conclusion of the Times writer is based on the expansion of news at one station in one market, St. Louis, leading me to believe that dope use must be rampant among employees at the nation’s “newspaper of record.” The article certainly failed to meet the motto of “all the news fit to print.” 

Anyway, the deterioration of local TV news can be traced back three decades ago at the beginning of an era of chit-chat happy newscasts. “Live From the Eyewitness Newsroom,” was an intro heard around country. It was the age of television consultants, an assault on broadcast journalism led by Frank Magid and Associates. Short stories, blood and guts, no substance.

Now, having ridiculed the “Eyewitness News,” I must confess that the best seven years of my four-decade long reporting career were in a station using the banner. In the 1980’s, WBRZ in Baton Rouge developed a reputation as one of the best television news operations in the country, and I was a prime beneficiary—collecting two Peabody awards and two dozen other major national journalism prizes. In fact, when CNN came calling on me in 1989, I didn’t want to leave. However, the cable network gave me 135,000 good reasons to leave—50,00 more than “Eyewitness News.” Good thing I left, too. My departure and other personnel changes in the newsroom sent WBRZ’s journalism spiraling into a nosedive. What I see on its newscasts today embarrasses me.

Indeed, when people ask me if I’m the guy who once worked at Channel 2, I have to bite my tongue to avoid lying. And being a self-righteous sonuvabitch, I’m also tempted to deny being  a former CNN correspondent. Like WBRZ, watching the granddaddy of 24 hour news is an embarrassment. 

By exercising control over my gag reflex, I did watch Wolf Blitzer interview Donald Trump a few days ago. This was before Trump cancelled his plans to moderate a debate by GOP presidential hopefuls because nobody cared, especially the candidates. Who gives a damn what the loudmouth braggart has to say about presidential politics? If Trump ever had any political bona fides—doubtful—they were buried under an avalanche of idiocy during his birther campaign.

The ”in-depth” CNN interview was remarkable because Blitzer, a smart and intelligent journalist, seemed intimidated by Trump. He almost cowered when “the Don” took issue with questions. Trump had free rein to sound like an out of control Ann Coulter, the fish wife of the far-right. If nothing else, Wolf’s interview made me glad I no longer work for CNN.

Bottom line. It’s no wonder the country’s political dialogue is like listening to inmates babbling in an insane asylum. A large segment of our society is either too lazy or too stupid to read newspapers and rely instead on television news, the Internet, or the blathering of radio personalities of the Rush Limbaugh ilk.

Ignorance is good news to media magnate Rupert Murdoch. But should large numbers of people start buying newspapers, Fox News—aka the Republican Propaganda Network—would soon be out of business.

And if CNN continues its race to the bottom of the journalism barrel, the network won’t be far behind.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com. 

A meeting earlier this week between loudmouth Donald Trump and serial adulterer Newt Gingrich must have presented logistics problems equivalent to raising the dead—though come to think of it, the former House Speaker has been resurrected from the political graveyard. What puzzles me is how two massive egos like those of Gingrich and Trump fit into a single room? And presuming this was accomplished, what miraculous drug  was injected to shut-up these two blabbermouths long enough to stop them from interrupting each other? I can’t answer either of these questions. 

But I do have a theory about Newt’s resurrection that stems from my life in the same Deep South culture as the GOP presidential hopeful—the current frontrunner in several polls. My daddy and many other folks I knew were/are “yellow dog Democrats,” a term meaning they would vote for a yellow dog before they would vote for a Republican. These diehards probably comprised less than thirty percent of the population. But whatever the percentage, put a yellow dog as the sole Democrat candidate against a Republican in the old days and the mongrel would receive a lot of votes.

Newt is apparently taking advantage of the ancient Deep South political principle. After all, he is a historian and recognizes that a lot of GOP voters are saying, “I would vote for a rabid red cur dog before I would vote for Barack Obama.” Or for Mitt Romney, it seems.

In short, Newt has his 25 to 30 percent of non-thinking supporters—most likely viewers of Fox “News,” aka the Republican Propaganda Network, and a large segment of amnesiacs who have forgotten Gingrich is responsible for much of the divisiveness that now cripples the ability of Congress to solve the economic woes caused by eight years of George W. Bush.

If President Obama prays for votes, Newt Gingrich is the answer to his prayers. However, God has already disappointed Obama once by allowing Sarah Palin to fade into irrelavance and obscurity. Sadly—at least for the President—Gingrich will also fade. And Mitt Romney will eventually be the last GOP candidate standing. 

Like I’ve said in previous blog posts, the Republicans have decided to throw the election.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com

Here is a scary thought. At least one in five republicans we encounter in this are nuts. What other explanation is there for Newt Gingrich’s sudden surge in the polls, or pizza man Herman Cain’s brief time in the political limelight, or Texas Governor Rick Perry momentary fling as the Presidential choice of twenty-plus percent of potential GOP primary season voters.

I’m not complaining. The republican comedy troupe makes writing a blog easy—especially since I can occasionally post re-runs. This week’s disclosure that Newt Gingrich and/or his consulting firm collected more than a million and a half dollars for giving advice to Fannie Mae is the latest of the serial scandals involving the serial adulterer. The former Speaker of the House assured reporters that he was paid as an “historian,” not as a lobbyist.

Gingrich’s explanation is in the same league as his elucidation on Pat Robertson’s CBN about adultery in which he claimed he violated the Seventh Commandment because of his patriotism and love of country. Anyway, I offered my observations last May on the man who will not go away and it’s time for a repeat.

                     NEWT GINGRICH TO TEST HOW LOW GOP WILL GO

Like Donald Trump, the Presidential candidacy of Newt Gingrich is a sick joke—a bit of whimsy that provides comics with punchlines. Neither man has a chance of being nominated, much less being elected. Nonetheless, the two alleged candidacies provide an accurate measurement of the number of people who give will give stupid answers to pollsters.

What person in reasonable control of mental faculties would seriously consider voting for either man. Serial adulterer Newt Gingrich built his career on failure. He failed as as a husband, who hurried to the bedside of his cancer-stricken wife to announce he was divorcing her—and as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives before resigning because of the hypocrisy of lambasting President Clinton for sexual adventures in the Oval Office at the same time he was carrying on with a woman in a Catholic pew.

Gingrich’s Presidential aspirations have made it easy for news reporters searching for a low life worse than the Donald. It took only a few interminable weeks for Trump to display his  true stripes. And none were black. His racism is less subtle than that of Klan Kleagle and Nazi David Duke. But he is worse than Duke because the mainstream media gave him so much access. He is now gone, but sadly, not forgotten.

Everytime I think television news has bottomed out, another sinkhole takes broadcast journalism into deeper disgrace. What happens when Lindsey Lohan announces her candidacy? Will she be given unlimited interviews to accuse Barack Obama of being 51% white because he lacks real rhythm?

At least, Newt Gingrich’s access to the media has been pretty much restricted to the Republican Propaganda Network, aka, Fox “News.”  But in recent days, the network has purportedly cut ties with Newt and its stable of Presidential wannabes/commentators. However, Fox will undoubtedly give them plenty of interview time as the election cycle progresses.

For the time being, Newt Gingrich can make more money soliciting campaign contributions than working as a pundit. Although he must account for a good portion of the money, it provides him a bankroll for a rather elegant lifestyle in the best hotels and restaurants while running for the nation’s highest office.

Gingrich is a smart guy. He will tell you so. Over and over and over, ad nauseum. He lies awake at night devising polysylballic words and phrases to attack his opponents. And that is where he may be useful to the Republican Party.

With Gingrich’s lack of conscience and his propensity for distortion, he could become an attack dog when and if a viable GOP Presidential candidate emerges. Meantime, Republican voters with big bank accounts and small brains can contribute to the Gingrich anti-poverty fund.

Others can simply write and tell the bastard to get a real job.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

Is Texas Governor Rick Perry receiving campaign contributions from some sort of comedy writers organization? I know Stephen Colbert’s satirical campaign SuperPac ran Iowa television ads on behalf of Rick “Parry.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/10/stephen-colberts-first-super-pac-commercial-rick-parry_n_923678.html

Colbert’s modest Iowa investment in exposing  the ridiculous rules of the Federal Election Commission seems insufficient to cause other Republican  candidates to compete for contributions from the Comedy Channel’s faux political commentator. Still, the hilarious gang of eight get Colbert’s attention by going on stage to do outrageous gigs nearly every week. The only things missing from their performances are pies and tiny cars.

I’m a liberal Democrat. However, my comedy preferences are non-partisan. So I always look forward to the 2010 Republican debates. There can’t be too many of them—that is unless Rick Perry drops out. 

I keep asking myself questions about Perry like, ”How did he manage to graduate in the top ten of his thirteen student senior class in Paint Creek, Texas?”  I would like to know the grade point averages of classmates eleven, twelve and thirteen? If elected President, would Perry remember the name of Vice President Bobby Jindal? His selection with balance the I.Q. of the ticket.

Louisiana Governor Smarty Pants. an Ivy League educated Rhodes Scholar announced his support almost before Perry could even finish declaring himself a presidential candidate. Jindal should have been tipped off at Perry’s shortcomings when the Texas asked him, “Where did you say Louisiana was located?” Did Jindal say, “Oops, I screwed up” after Perry’s memory loss Wednesday night?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNN7vy7aQOE   

Compared to Perry’s debate gaffes, Jindal’s 2009 GOP State of the Union response—excerpts of which are on the Internet—seems like one of the great speeches of Ronald Reagan and JFK. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-eBqthOvi0

Another GOP debate is set for Saturday evening, this one focusing on international affairs. It should be quite entertaining—especially when Herman Cain is questioned about the names of foreign leaders, assuming he’s still around. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/1969/12/31/_n_1033233.html

Like former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s foreign policy expertise that was honed by visions of Russia from her front porch, Rick Perry can claim to peer into Mexico from anywhere along Texas’s two-thousand mile border with the country. I hope he remembers our neighbor to the north is Canada. Come to think of it, I hope he shows up Saturday. Given past performances, he may be the first to bow out. Other candidates are sure to follow.

Maybe former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer—the phantom Republican hopeful—will be the last man standing. So far, though, he has not been given an opportunity to stand on the debate stage, which gives him an edge. But whatever happens, Buddy is having fun. The Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart audiences love him. 

At this point in the campaign season, Roemer makes the most sense—a commentary on the sad state of the Republican Party.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

The Republican comedy troupe has no joint appearances until next week. But individually during the interim, several of the clowns are performing in various venues. The most popular act in recent days is Herman Cain’s constantly changing explanation of one of his 1990’s “jokes” while President of the National Restaurant Association—a costly witticism that resulted in sexual harrassment allegations by two women, who failed to appreciate Cain’s Clarence Thomas impression.

The restaurant association paid the women tens of thousands of dollars to keep quiet about the incidents. However, a confidentiality clause may soon be waived. As the GOP’s leading comedian to date, it will probably be something like, “I got your pizza right here, baby. Just kidding.”

Apathy was my initial reaction to the sexual harrassment story, which was first disclosed by Politico. Cain’s campaign is based on gaffes and stumbles. But as CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin points out, the guy is a viable presidential candidate and there is no such thing as overkill. At least in the collective eyes of the media and CNN in particular. My former employers should adopt the slogan, “We never let go of anybody’s tale.”

As usual, Cain apologists are blaming the liberal media, though he is getting beat up badly by Fox “News,” aka the Republican Propaganda Network. Pillhead Rush Limbaugh must have popped a few extra Oxycontin causing him to go off on a rant comparing Cain’s problems to the attacks on Clarence Thomas. Careful, Rush.  The small balls of then Senator Joe Biden is the only reason Justice Thomas escaped with his Supreme Court robe assured. As Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Biden refused to call witnesses who would have reinforced Anita Hill’s claim of being harrassed by Thomas when he headed a federal agency.

It’s hard to predict the overall impact of the sexual harrassment allegations on Cain’s campaign. He claims money is flowing in. Maybe the tea partiers will present him with a medal. And for sure, Rick Perry will say something stupid to divert attention from Cain. In reality, neither Cain, Perry, nor the other fringe candidates have much of a chance of being nominated. Congratulations, Mitt.

Although fringe candidates have been around for most of our country’s history, there have never been so many with so many problems and so little prospects. Serial adulter Newt Gingrich is the show-off of the crowd. Michele Bachmann plays the role of dumb brunete. Rick Santorum likes to bare his teeth, but doesn’t bite. Ron Paul is the crazy uncle from the basement and John Huntsman tells fart jokes. We need to have GOP debates nightly.

I’ve had my own experience with the fringe—directly and indirectly. In 1981, a Lyndon Larouche “newspaper” compared me to Edward R. Murrow and I was tempted to the publication—not that I have anything against the legendary CBS newsman. But praise from Larouche was the equivalent of libel. Like having Osama Bin Laden include me in his Will and last testament. I earned plaudits from the Larouche folks for an ABC documentary in which I exposed their worst enemy—the law.

More precisely, an ABC Close Up report titled When Crime Pays criticized federal and state prosecutors, who make corrupt deals with witnesses by promising excessive inducements in return for testimony. It is supposed to be a system of the bad testifying against the badder. But sometimes, it’s vice versa. The worst get sentences cut or receive other incentives as a reward.

For readers who don’t have the time or inclination to google Lyndon Larouche, I offer a quickie. He was a seven time fringe candidate for the presidential nomination, running as a Democrat. Republicans can take solace in the fact that their party does not hold an exclusive franchise on nutty candidates. However, Sarah Palin in 2008 and Herman Cain, et al, in the current cycle gives the GOP a leg up on nuttiness. Although Cain’s 999 is a simplistic and regressive policy, it falls short of Larouche’s economic proposal to colonize Mars by 2027—a plan he outlined in a thirty minute network political commercial during one of his pre-prison campaigns.

I won’t bore readers by repeating my experiences with Ross Perot. Suffice to say that spending time with the billionaire Texan was more painful than multiple root canals performed from the rear by a proctologist.

Anyway, my metaphors are becoming too graphic. I leave you now to celebrate by birthday by joining my daughers for lunch.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

Lawmen in Zanesville, Ohio are tracking and shooting  exotic animals. My advice to Republican presidential candidates is avoid being anywhere near Zanesville for the next several days. Being a card-carrying political masochist, I watched the GOP debate televised from Las Vegas Tuesday night and saw some pretty exotic creatures.

Mitt Romney must have felt like a character in one of those old movies in which an airplane crashes in the jungle and survivors find themselves surrounded by wild beasts and weird threatening tribes. Not even Romney’s protective Mormon underwear could protect him from the onslaught of the oddball animals surrounding him. Granted, the former Massachussets Governor has a strange affliction causing him to speak double-talk. But he was the only viable candidate on the stage.  

Indeed, I had to keep reminding myself during the debate that these creatures aspire to be leaders of the free world—or so they say. Herman Cain is simply trying out new comedy materia. He doesn’t even have a campaign organization. Rick Santorum is trying to raise money to buy a revival tent and build a following as a Catholic Jimmy Swaggart (watch out for shady ladies, Rick). Serial adulterer Newt Gingrich just likes to show people how smart he think he is. Ron Paul’s presence is evidence that people at the home allow him out at night. And Michele Bachmann is auditioning to become the spokeswoman for a toothpaste commercial.

Now, who does that leave to oppose Mitt Romney? Oh, yeah, that guy from Texas with the corn cob posture, Governor Rick Perry. He’s the dude offering an answer to the economic crisis. If everybody would run outside and dig a hole in the ground, oil will come flowing out. End of crisis.

Governor Perry is a living example of every dumb Texas A&M joke. And in Louisana alone, there are tens of thousands of such witticisms. His campaign advisors made a horrible mistake at the outset of Perry’s campaign. They have allowed him to speak. He would have been more effective if aides told him to be the strong silent type by nodding his head knowingly and saying in Texas style, “Let’s step outside, boys, and settle this argument like real men.”

Rick Perry has plummetted so fast in the polls that he is down to one supporter, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal—one of the nation’s leading advocates of stupidity. The Ivy League educated Rhodes scholar wants to make certain that everyone in Louisana is dumber than he is. Hence, he has reduced spending for education, refused to apply for federal grants for pre-kindegarten school programs and has taken other steps to ensure his state remains near the bottom of scholastic achievement in state rankings. 

Blinded by ambition to hold higher office and his eagerness to get the hell out of Louisiana before people realize the damage he has done to the state , Governor Smarty Pants was the first in line to endorse the presidential candidacy of Rick Perry. A day after the endorsement, Jindal was attending the presidential debates in Florida doing his favorite thing—stalking television cameras, a Jindal addiction that got out of control during the BP oil spill crisis.  

Presumably, Governor Smarty Pants now knows he will not be Vice President in the Perry Administration. In fact, the more I watch the GOP debates, the more I believe the Party has only one man running for office who is qualified and voters outside my home state have heard of him—unless they watch Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart and/or the Colbert Report.

So all you Republicans better start sending former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer $100.00, the maximum he will accept.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.