U.S. Representative John Fleming, a Republican from north Louisiana, is now being declared a moron after a Facebook posting that cites as fact a Planned Parenthood article by The Onion. 

http://theadvocate.com/home/1999095-125/lawmaker-apparently-mistakes-satire-for.html

Although the congressman—a family physician—is blamed for the blunder, my hunch is that somebody on his staff is responsible. By now a former staffer, perhaps, since the post was removed from Facebook in a matter of hours. In my opinion, there is no way Representative Fleming could have acquired a medical license if he were illiterate—a requirement if he believed the satirical article. 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/planned-parenthood-opens-8-billion-abortionplex,20476/

Having defended the politician—a Republican, no less—I add a caveat. “Why not believe The Onion?” After all, a sizeable segment of the GOP and its bastard off-spring, the Tea Party, believes Fox News, as well as other sources of misinformation, distortions and outright lies. Indeed, Fox pundits should be required to wear cheerleader costumes and carry pom poms while rooting for the far-right.

Even though many of my friends tilt to the right, most claim they rarely watch Fox News, aka the Republican Propaganda Network. And they all deny listening to pill-popping Rush Limbaugh and radio’s collection of lunatic talkers, who have become millionaires by exploiting the ignorance of listeners too lazy to think for themselves.  Despite denials of being “ditto heads,” etc. some of my acquaintances repeat the rantings of Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and their ilk. Maybe my friends get their loony tunes political information second hand.

Or maybe it comes from the Internet. There is, for example, a character named Wayne Allyn Root. This guy apparently attended Columbia University at the same time Barack Obama was a student and regularly claims none of his 15,000 or so classmates knew the future President. Root’s missives are forwarded to me on a regular basis and I refer my correspondents to fact-checking sites. But who wants the truth when lies are better? 

http://www.factcheck.org/2010/02/obama-at-columbia-university/http://www1.salon.com/news/1998/04/cov_17newsb.html

As further evidence that the walls are too low surrounding lockdown insane asylums and straitjackets too loosely fitted, I’m still receiving e-mails containing birther bullshit—one arriving as recently as two days ago.

Given the willingness of so many people to believe the most preposterous conspiracy yarns nowadays, I probably shouldn’t be surprised when The Onion satire is accepted as fact. But by a Congressman or his staffer?

Then again, that may explain what’s wrong with Washington.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

One of the most jolting scenes I can recall seeing in a theater was Glenn Close’s leap from a bathtub after being drowned—seemingly—by Michael Douglas in the 1987 movie, Fatal Attraction. Serial adulterer Newt Gingrich must love the scene. Horny husband Dan has a weekend fling with co-worker Alec while his wife and six year old child are away from home. Alex turns out to be a psychopath, a condition that manifests itself in several ways including  the memorable scene. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hd521kE7f0A

Former House Speaker Gingrich’s marital infidelities were not exactly weekend affairs—six years in the case of his current wife, Calista Bisek. Under ordinary circumstances in a presidential race, a candidate with a track record of running off-course by consistenly lying and cheating would never get past the starting block. But Newt’s fans are forgiving, especially his constituency of evangelical Christians who apparently subscribe to the adage, “Love the Sinner, Love the Sin.”

Despite losing the Florida GOP presidential primary to animated department store mannequin Mitt Romney by 15 points, Gingrich still managed to prevail among Tea Partiers and evangelicals in Bible-belt counties in the state’s panhandle—home of the so-called Redneck Riviera. A small victory, but enough to keep him promising to rise out of a political bathtub and try plunging a knife into Romney’s candidacy.

The Florida primary was filled with low-lights. But dirty politics is what resurrects Gingrich from his near-death experiences. He sees that mysterious light. In reality, the light is generated by television and still cameras.  The media is Newt’s EMS team. 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-medias-codependent-relationship-with-newt-gingrich/2012/01/31/gIQArTADgQ_story.html?hpid=z1

Ironically, the disgraced ex-congressman gets his jollies by attacking the very people who have revived him. Newt’s win in South Carolina was fueled in part by his indignant response to a debate question by CNN’s John King, who had the audacity to ask him about wife number two’s interview the previous night accusing Gingrich of requesting an “open marriage” so he could continue to hop in bed with Calista unencumbered by pangs of conscience. Boo on King. 

A few days later, Fox “News” pundit Juan Williams got the same treatment when asking Gingrich his remarks linking food stamps to African Americans. Newt’s racially charged answer got a standing ovation from an audience that may have mistaken the debate for a Ku Klux Klan rally.

Newt’s attack’s on the messengers has backfired, causing reporters to sprout balls—or whatever female correspondents grow. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer went toe-to-toe with Gingrich after the candidate described a question relating to one of his political ads as “nonsense.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/26/wolf-blitzer-newt-gingrich-cnn-debate_n_1235529.html

Most surprising to me was the reaction of the media to Blitzer’s Gingrich challenge. There were several stories praising  him, including a segment on CNN. What’s to praise? Wolfe was doing what reporters are supposed to do, but don’t do often enough. Maybe it will start an epidemic of journalism responsibility.

My favorite moment in recent weeks was only indirectly related to the sins of Newt Gingrich. CNN’s Ashleigh Banfield asked Louisiana whore-mongering U.S. Senator David Vitter if he had any advice for Newt on how to overcome sexual peccadilloes. Although accused of buying love in all the wrong places, Vitter handily won re-election in 2010. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/30/ashleigh-banfield-david-vitter-cnn-prostituion_n_1241441.html

So it’s on to Nevada and beyond. Keep on fighting Newt. We need you—the news media and viewers of the Republican’s travelling clown show. Just consider how boring the debates would be without Gingrich—particularly since the departure of Texas Governor Rick (Oops) Perry and fact-challenged Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

Sadly, though, the day will come when Newt stands before the news media and does his best imitation of Richard Nixon’s lament after losing California’s 1962 gubernatorial election. ”You won’t have Gingrich to kick around anymore.” 

The breeze that immediately spreads across the country will be the Republican establishment breathing a sigh of relief.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com

I don’t know for sure if President Obama prays to Jesus, Allah or some other Deity. Regardless, his prayers are answered. Just look at what is happening in the Republican presidential primary race. If it keeps up, no candidate will be left standing when the 2012 Republican National Convention convenes August 27th in Tampa, Florida.

And even if Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney—currently, the two leading candidates—survive the vicious political knife fight, both are so badly wounded that voters will likely take them off life-support in spite of  desperate efforts by spin doctors to revive one of the men with huge sums of money transfusions from Citizens United  inspired Super Pacs. At this point in the election year, Democrats of all religious persuasions are beginning to thank their Higher Powers for the sudden reversal in the Party’s November prospects.

I’m a Presbyterian, the January Liturgist for services at my small church in West Baton Rouge Parish. But despite my “good works” spending a total of fifteen minutes during the month leading our Sunday rituals, I haven’t won a single lottery, though I promised God to give an extra hundred dollars to the church if He (or She) would let me win one of the $100-million jackpots. In fact, I will settle for a million—or much less.

Joking aside, the viciousness that Gingrich and Romney have displayed in the GOP primary debates has been remarkable. Given the distortions and outright falsehoods perpetuated by both men, I have begun to suspect that both men received training from Fox “News,” aka the Republican Propoganda Network. Students attending the classes have been so successful in the confines of the GOP’s lunatic fringe that Fox is considering changing its “Fair and Balanced” slogan to “How to Lie and Get Away With It.”

Should such an event take place, the network will undoubtedly face a lawsuit from pill-popper Rush Limbaugh and his ilk. Indeed, AM radio is mainly responsible for the tenor of much of hateful dialogue that defines politics nowadays. Never was this more apparent than watching the South Carolina debate in which serial adulterer Gingrich received rousing ovations for comments tinged with racism. The Tea Party was out in force in the state, which still displays the Confederate Flag outside its Capitol and was the first to secede from the Union after Abraham Lincoln was elected President. Not that South Carolinans are completely adverse to black folks.

The late South Carolina segregationist Strom Thurmond—the longest serving U.S. Senator in history—fathered an African-American child and provided a few bucks of financial assistance for her college education and other needs. Even so, I doubt the daughter took much pride in daddy for setting a congressional record by filibustering the Civil Rights Act of 1957. Thurmond’s tradition is carried forward by Republican voters in the state, Tea Partiers in particular.

Next up is Florida, and the audience mood during Monday night’s debate in Tampa was considerably different than South Carolina. NBC’s Brian Williams, the moderator, banned applause and other demonstrations. Consequently, the response was solemn to Gingrich’s zingers—and for that matter, the feeble attempts to appear tough by department store mannequin Romney. Maybe the silence will prompt the two candidates to abandon gutter politics.

That’s too bad from the standpoint of the President. Every little bit of Republican idiocy is an answer to Obama’s prayers. And for endangered lawmakers in his party. Since a lot of congressman are Presbyterians, I will continue my weekly trek to West Baton Rouge parish. Besides, anyone who has read the New Testament knows that Jesus was a Democrat. 

So I’m delaying my search for the nearest mosque.

Actually, Harry S Truman said, “Get out of the kitchen.” Though not original, the old adage has regularly been attibuted to the late President. I believe, however, that my slightly altered version applies in the case of serial adulterer Newt Gingrich.

The disgraced former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representives went ballistic when questioned at the beginning of Thursday night’s debate about an ABC interview in which wifey number two accused him of asking her to consent to an “open marriage” so that he could continue romping in the hay with pretty little Callista Bisek—then a congressional aide, now Gingrich’s wifey number three. He wanted a newer model in case he ran for President. Marianne Gingrich refused to be part of her husband’s harem.

I don’t know if there was a  connection, but she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis a few months before. Maybe Gingrich has an aversion to sick wives. He dumped his first wife while she was in a hospital recovering from cancer. Nice guy.

Self-righteously, poor put upon Newt attacked meany moderator John King for raising the issue Thursday evening, even though the prurient political story was getting big play in the daily news cycle. The tale of tail was only slightly behind Texas Governor Rick Perry’s departure from the GOP race, and Rick Santorum belatedly being declared the winner of the Iowa caucus by an overwhelming margin of 34 votes.

Fair warning. I’m going to get in a couple of plugs for my non-best selling memoir in this blog post. I’ve been there, done that—interviewed ex-spouses, reported an exposé on the eve of an election, and had my own sins exposed in newspapers, magazines and leaked by political operatives who didn’t appreciate my muckraking. 

http://www1.salon.com/news/1998/04/cov_17newsb.html

The Salon article is mild compared to reality—a sad tale of decadence I disclose in my memoir. But after a failed audition on New Orleans’ skid row, I got sober and have spent four decades redeeming myself. I believe in forgiveness from below and above. I’ve gotten my share. But if anybody wants to call me a degenerate drunk, or a Derelict Gunslinger, they have grounds. Anyway, buy the damn book and read all about it.

Back to the controversy at hand. I question John King’s judgment in opening the debate with the question. In front of an audience that included Tea Partiers, Fox “News” viewers, Rush Limbaugh fans, and people who distrust the mainstream media, the peek behind Newt’s zipper came prematurely and gave him an opportunity to play to the boos and catcalls of the crowd. After all, most of these folks confuse facts with partianship. And Newt was ready with a tirade I’m certain he rehearsed prior to the debate.

But make no mistake about it, the question should have been asked since it received so much play earlier in the day. Gingrich’s whine about the timing of the question two days before the vote was misdirected. ABC, not CNN, did the interview with wife number two for Nightline, and began airing teasers in its newscasts and putting out news releases. Why, I don’t know. It was an old story. Marriane added nothing to an interview she gave Vanity Fair a year ago.

Oddly, the interview was done by ABC’s chief investigative correspondent, Brian Ross. Where was the investigation? I don’t like criticizing Brian. He is a former colleague. We worked together at Miami’s NBC affiliate  back in the 1970’s and remained friendly after moving onward and upward. I’m puzzled why he and ABC News regurgitated an old  story two days before the election.

The timing would not have been so bad if he had broken new ground. I faced a similar dilemma early in my muckraking career. Thirty-eight years ago as a radio newsman—yes, there once were investigative reporters working for radio stations—I was faced with the issue of breaking an embarrassing story on a local congressman a few days before an election. The guy was a sure winner, regardless of what I revealed. Fearing my story would be perceived as a desperate effort to influence the vote, I suggested that we hold the story until after the election.

My boss set me straight. The late Douglas Manship and his family owned radio stations, television stations and both Baton Rouge newspapers. Having a friendly congressman in Washington was to his advantage. But as I wrote in Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, he told me to forget about criticism.

“I don’t care if people consider the timing political. We don’t withhold information from voters. They can make their own judgments about the man’s character.”

Anyone who cares, should already be aware of Newt Gingrich’s character. It ain’t a pretty picture. ABC News simply provided a new venue for his former spouse to unleash her bitterness, which is already well known. Indeed, I have no problem relying on ex’s to dump on husbands and/or wives. As I noted in my book—Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, in case you’ve forgotten—the source of my first ever TV story was an embittered wife.

I disclosed “intimate” details of a sting operation targeting a lecherous local judge who spent large sums of money on party girls―one of whom happened to be a longtime IRS snitch. A lover’s quarrel inspired her to exact revenge by providing revenue agents details of the jurist’s lavish lifestyle. An investigation disclosed that his fun and games were supported by a few lawyers who regularly appeared in his courtroom. The IRS probe put the playboy’s job, reputation and freedom in jeopardy. Not to mention his marriage.

When the judge failed to return telephone calls, I showed up at his home. I discovered he was no longer welcome there. So I convinced his indignant spouse to share feelings about her wayward husband’s peccadilloes. In a Jerry Springer-like “exclusive,” the woman said something to the effect that he was a no-account son-of-a-bitch, and she would take great pleasure in performing surgery on his genitals.

Five years later in another town, I relied on another ex-wife for information that helped form the basis of a story that won me a New England Emmy for investigative reporting. She showed me bank statements and income tax records disclosing that her spouse made pay-offs to Boston’s Mayor in return for city contracts.

So guys and gals, be careful when you dump your spouses and run off with lovers. It can come back to haunt you—over and over and over again. When its dumped on your doorstep, don’t blame the messenger. Man up. Or Woman up.

Newt, you had your fun. So quit bitching.  

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

CNN devoted five minutes Wednesday morning to analyzing the moronic views on international affairs expressed by Texas Governor Rick Perry, the man hired by the Republican Party to bring comic relief to endless televised debates preceding the eventual coronation of an animated mannequin to oppose Barack Obama in the November elections.  CNN’s pundits were pondering Perry’s ignorant remarks about cutting off foreign aid to Turkey.

PERRY:

“When you have a country [Turkey] that is being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists, when you start seeing that type of activity against their own citizens, then yes, not only is it time for us to have a conversation about whether or not they belong to be in NATO, but it’s time for the United States, when we look at their foreign aid, to go to zero with it.”

The Washington Post fact checker described Perry’s comment as ”the most jaw-dropping statement” of the Monday night debate. The column explained:

The ruling party of Turkey is moderately Islamic, but it generally has not interfered with the country’s secular traditions. While Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has prodded the leadership about its commitment to media freedoms, few analysts — if any — would say the Turkish leadership is made up of “Islamic terrorists.” We really have no idea what Perry is talking about.

Nor does Rick Perry. Turkey is wealthy country and the relatively small amount of U.S. aid it receives falls into the category of military public relations money. Anyway, the long-winded CNN discussion about Perry’s comment begs the question, ”Who gives a shit what he thinks about U.S. foreign policy?”

Or anything else relating to national policies. Oh, I forgot. Louisiana Governor Bobby (Smarty Pants) cares—allegedly. But I have a theory about Governor Smarty Pants supporting Perry until the Texan returns to Austin to sign more death row warrants. It’s Jindal’s warped sense of humor.

Movie plot cliches regularly feature smart guys snickering behind the backs of lesser brain-endowed foils, who don’t realize how dumb they are. Dinner for Schmucks is the most recent example. The usual punchline is the dumb guy outsmarts the jokester. That will not happen with Perry.

Ivy League educated Rhodes Scholar Jindal can entertain friends for years to come with anecdotes of how he help convince Perry to run for President. Smarty Pants may get his comeuppance if he falls for the joke of pill-popping Rush Limbaugh, who consistently praises my state’s television camera-stalking Governor as a future candidate for President. “Of what,” I ask.  

Not surprisingly, the national news media has also fallen for the Jindal hoax—especially cable news networks. Why not? For months, the so-called mainstream media has treated Perry like a serious candidate. The same is true with Congressman Ron Paul, the crazy uncle who spouts the Ayn Rand philosophy of every man for himself or woman for herself.

Rick Perry and Ron Paul have as much chance of being elected President in 2012 as some crazy preacher ranting on a French Quarter street corner in New Orleans. Go away. Please! Join Sarah Palin for some kind of crazy political menage a trois. Fox News, aka the Republican Propaganda Network, would pay big bucks for the rights.

Come to think of it, so would CNN. In the years since I left the granddaddy of cable news, the network has descended to a level only slightly above its rival. But I don’t want to sound like a cynic. There is good news to report.

In the unlikely event that mannequin Mitt is elected President, everybody earning below his poverty line of $362,000 a year—”the not very much” income Romney derived from his 2010 speaker fees—may be declared eligbile for welfare and food stamp assistance.

Every little bit helps, so send me an application.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

Most politicians live in a fantasy land. Witness the presidential campaign of Texas Governor Rick Perry. Or for that matter, his most ardent supporter—Louisiana Governor Bobby (Smarty Pants) Jindal, who was among the first to endorse the leader of his neighboring state, and may be the last to leave Perry’s rapidly sinking ship. More accurately, an uncrowded row boat.

Governor Smarty Pants claims he is sticking with Perry out of loyalty. My hunch is that Jindal hangs on in an effort to get television face time as a background distraction in the campaign, and to continue accumulating frequent flyer miles by following the candidate around the country.

As an Ivy League graduate and Rhodes Scholar, Jindal must recognize the futility of Perry’s candidacy. Smarty Pants probably figures that being in close proximity to the national media will result in an occasional interview and boost his ambitions of a job that will get him the hell out of Louisiana and away from the mess he created in a matter of four painful years.

Jindal is not the first deluded Louisiana Governor. Indeed, former Governor Buddy Roemer was on Tuesday’s New Hampshire ballot. After moving to the state and campaigning for several months, he received a grand total of 919 votes—joining Rick Perry as the only candidates receiving fewer than one percent of the ballots cast.

Buddy’s last campaign before declaring his candidacy for President was twenty years ago. As an incumbent,  he ran third to Ku Klux Klanner David Duke and prison-destined scalawag Edwin Edwards, who was elected for his third of four gubernatorial terms.

And speaking of Edwards, his name should be a synonym for self-deception—a conclusion that was re-enforced in my mind after reading his “authorized biography” written by Leo Honeycutt and released in late 2010. In the interest of accuracy, I should say the book was typed by my friend, Leo, since it is mainly an account of Edwards’ distorted perspective on his record as Louisiana’s Governor—sixteen years that were not totally devoid of accomplishments.

But Edwards’ achievements were clouded by serious ethical shortcuts and other major misdeeds—a few that I exposed. His arrogance was so outrageous that a hanging judge and ambitious federal prosecutors railroaded him into prison on bogus charges by concealing exculpatory evidence and deceiving jurors. In effect, Edwards was retroactively convicted of thumbing his nose at government investigators in years past. We reap what we sow, especially if we laugh about our sins.  

The fantasies of Louisana governors makes me suspicious that there is something in the water at the governor’s mansion that causes delusions of grandeur and omnipotence. Edwards believed he was above accountability. Jindal expects to be Vice President someday, perhaps even President. And Buddy Roemer hallucinates about the presidency, although a friend of mine theorizes his candidacy is being recorded as part of a television reality show that exposes the farce of modern day politics. Buddy’s a casual friend and I hope that explains the inexplicable.

Throughout Louisiana’s history, governors have engaged in varying degrees of narcissism. Before an assassin’s bullet brought him down, Huey P. Long—the Kingfish—had his eyes focused on the White House. His stripper cavorting brother, Governor Earl Long, believed he was invisable.

As far as I know, Huey’s son, the late U.S. Senator Russell Long, had no ambitions to run for President. However, he shared his daddy’s grandiosity and talent for deception—characteristics I observed first hand at the infamous 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. On Sunday evening prior to the convention, I attended the reception for Louisiana delegates in hopes of snagging radio interviews while freeloading at the open bar—not necessarily in that order.

Senator Long was among the first people I encountered at the gathering and when I thrust a microphone in his face, he said, “You shouldn’t question me. You need to talk to the next Vice President of the United States.” Long then grabbed my arm and led me across the room to interview Louisiana Governor John McKeithen.

There had, in fact, been speculation about a southern governor being on the ticket of Vice President Hubert Humphrey, the eventual nominee. Both Long and McKeithen were Humphrey classmates at LSU in 1940-41 when he studied for a Masters Degree and taught political science part-time.

A few months earlier, the Vice President spent the night at Governor’s Mansion following a speech before the Louisiana AFL-CIO. I interviewed Humphrey the next morning and he said nothing to disabuse me of the gossip. Like contemporary reporters covering GOP primaries this year, my colleagues and I were all struck dumb by rumors.

Senator Long’s comment at the reception about the “next Vice President” made me particularly vulnerable to brain freeze. And I forgot all the obstacles in McKeithen’s path to national office. Louisiana was then in the midst of two major legislative investigations—one focusing on mafia influence on state government, the other dealing with widespread labor racketeering. And race relations were so volatile in Louisiana that McKeithen bought thirty minutes of network air time to assure the nation that citizens loved black folks—just so long as they didn’t go to school with white kids or try to swim in white-only public pools.

Obviously, McKeithen did not receive the VP nomination. Turns out that Russell Long was jerking him around at the behest of Senator Humphrey, who hoped his colleague could keep the Louisiana delegation in line during debates of controversial platform issues, civil rights being most notable. By Wednesday morning, McKeithen realized he had been had and hopped a plane back to New Orleans. Upon landing, he gave a law and order speech denouncing the chaos in Chicago.

It was an embarrassment to McKeithen. But given the action of successors, he may have gotten ultimate revenge by poisoing the water at the mansion so that future governors would also make fools of themselves.

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

Gotcha! Again!

For forty years, Iowa voters have suckered news media political pundits and reporters into freezing their butts off while travelling the farmlands in pursuit of presidential wannabes. Fortunately, I spent only a couple of days in the state—dispatched by CNN in the 1996 campaign to do a one-on-one interview with GOP Senator Bob Dole as part of an in-depth story I was reporting for our Special Assignment Unit.

Unlike the current election cycle when candidates are begging to be interviewed, Dole was being evasive. As I recall, producer Bill Smee and I followed him and his campaign bus to appearances at a Rotary luncheon, a hardware store and a couple of other small venues wondering to ourselves, “Why is God punishing us?”

Anyway, we pinned him down for a time and place to do the interview, and I remembered the most important advice given to me—extend my left hand to shake hands because of Senator Dole’s war-connected disability. My only other recollection is “boring.”

I’m certain, however, that Iowans welcome the attention even though fewer than five percent of the state’s eligible voters participate in the caucus at 1,874 precincts in schools, other public buildings and private homes. But given a choice of getting out in the cold night, most folks opt to stay home and watch Celebrity Wife Swap. They have already had their fun being interviewed on TV at diners, fairs, on the street and places where candidates lurk in the weeks leading up to the caucus.

More importantly, television stations, and other media and advertising outlets—praise be to five members of the U.S. Supreme Court and the Citizen’s United decision—along with hotels, restaurants, service industries, etc. have given a big boost to Iowa’s economy. So besides the financial windfall, what do the caucuses accomplish? I guess the narrowing of the field of candidates makes the debates more bearable and substantive.

Texas Governor Rick Perry returns to Austin, sobbing on the narrow shoulders of Bobby Jindal, the smarty-pants Ivy League and Rhode’s Scholar Louisiana Governor who received advanced academic degrees in accumulating frequent flyer miles. Jindal was the first political figure to endorse Perry. Believers in creationism and skeptics of global warming, Perry and Jindal could run as a third party team on the “Ignoramus Ticket.”

Congressperson Michele Bachmann has also retired from the race, an indication of the small number of “fish wives” in Iowa, her primary constituency. That’s not surprising in farm country. So what’s left?

The last Republican timber still standing are an animated department store mannequin with the ability to change colors in an eye blink (Mitt Romney), a weird former U.S. Senator who probably got beat up a lot in school (Rick Santorum) and an elderly congressional clown who interrupts drools by declaring his opposition to living on this planet (Ron Paul). Granted, there is a serial adulterer still in the race (Newt Gingrich), and a one-percenter who offends other candidates by talking sensibly (Jon Huntsman).

Presumably, a segment of Americans had a passing interest in the Iowa farce. It was hard to escape given the media’s obsession with the mind set of less than one-half of one percent of the nation’s voters. Most entertaining for me was watching CNN coverage. The network’s political team relied on an array of digital do-dads designed to thoroughly confuse viewers. After watching Wolf Blitzer, John King and an army of pundits cite a barrage of numbers and statistics that continually appeared on the screen, I began to suspect that my former employer was in on the joke.

The laughs now continue in New Hampshire where I predict that voters will hear the name, Buddy Roemer, and exclaim, “Who?”

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.

It’s that time a year again when part time Christians whine about Christ being taken out of Christmas. Where are these folks the rest of the year? With a few exceptions, the “Christian” right has been absent while Democrats attempt to chase the money changers from the temples of Wall Street and/or offer crumbs to the downtrodden.

Texas Governor Rick Perry proclaims himself to be a Christian in his infamous television commercial promising to block gays from openly serving in the military, return prayer to public schools (as if it ever left), and restore the nation to its Christian roots. I realize that Governor Perry represents the brain-addled segment of evangelicals, a group led by his Baptist buddy, the Reverend Robert Jeffress who described Mormons as a “cult” in expressing doubts about Mitt Romney’s spiritual qualification to be President. Perry disavowed the “cult” label, displaying instead  his ignorance of statements included in a Romney book. But give him a break. After all, C-average Perry is a graduate of Texas A&M. And besides, he now has a smart guy around to pry his foot from his mouth.

Louisiana Governor Bobby (Smarty Pants) Jindal—an Ivy League educated Rhodes Scholar—added some more Frequent Flyer miles to his trove by arriving in Iowa to help Perry. Almost immediately, Governor Smarty Pants had to interrupt Perry when he mischaracterized an element of the tax reform plan he plans to implement in the unlikely event, God forbid, he were elected President.

The Christian brotherhood of Jindal and Perry falls into the odd couple category—bright and dim, Catholic and fundamentalist Protestant, a man of color and redneck farm boy. The spiritual glue that binds them together is apparently the willingness of both Governors to exploit religion for political benefit. Perry produces political commercials professing his faith. And when not stalking network television cameras for a little face time, Jindal travels around Louisiana visiting churches to proclaim his Christian beliefs and secure votes from congregations that are certain the nation is hell bound.

Perry, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum pretty much run neck-and-neck in the ”I’m the best Christian” competition. At least the two Mormons, Romney and Jon Huntsman remain relatively silent on religious issues. They’ve done their good deeds serving as missionaries in faraway lands. Ron Paul? Who the hell knows? He belongs to the church of Ayn Rand. And Buddy Roemer? Buddy the Methodist is still out there in the wilderness.

Finally, there is the Jimmy Swaggart of the presidential race. Newt Gingrich is “the forgiven.” Like the infamous television evangelist, Newt had his tear-stained “I have sinned against you my Lord.” And also like Brother Jimmy, serial adulterer Gingrich sinned again and again.

I don’t mean to sound like a heathen in my criticism of Republican situational Christians. Nearly every Sunday morning, I show up at a little Presbyterian church to worship God as I understand him. Indeed, I’ve read the Bible cover-to-cover more than once. Based on what I hear from the GOP and many of their supporters—hey, tea partiers, I’m talking about you—I wonder if sections of my Bibles have been deleted. Especially the New Testament.

Ironically, the resurrection of Newt Gingrich is a reminder of my CNN reporting on the bogus Whitewater scandal a decade and a half ago—the $70-million political farce orchestrated by Kenneth Starr, the religious fundamentalist who could not distinguish between sin and crime. It was an era in which Republicans led by House Speaker Gingrich abandoned any semblance of a conscience.

In a political environment similar to the current GOP strategy of “defeat President Obama at any cost,” opponents of Bill Clinton took the low road, aligning themselves with the “Christian” right and the late Reverend Jerry Falwell. As I wrote in my non-best selling memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger, Falwell was the primary promoter of the most un-Christian documentary I can recall seeing.

The Clinton Chronicles was an idiot’s guide to character assassination. It featured a cast of right-wing characters who made the 2004 “Swift Boat” attacks on Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry’s military record seem like a tribute. Vigorously promoted by the late Jerry Falwell, the so-called documentary was a forum for the crackpot fantasies of a former Arkansas segregationist judge, a low-ranking ex-Arkansas state employee, a loopy former congressman, and a hodgepodge of drooling characters unable to discern truth from fiction―as if they cared.

I know it’s customary to say something nice about the dearly departed. But based on pre-Whitewater encounters with the Reverend Jerry Falwell―a topic for a later chapter―I have to rely on the cliché, “He didn’t seem to sweat a lot for a fat man.” Watching the jowly TV preacher bear false witness for the benefit of his disbanded Moral Majority and brainwashed Rush Limbaugh malcontents, I wondered what Jesus would do―WWJD? If Jerry arrived at his hoped for Heavenly home, an entry surely requiring generous dispensation, he probably knows what Jesus would not do, WJWND. He would not lend His name to smears by harebrained lunatics in $34.95 DVD’s.

So 17 years later, here we are again—candidates and supporters posing as Christians for political gain. And an occasional leader of the pack is Newt Gingrich, the man who brought congressional gridlock to the American people.

What we need is a Muslim President. Oh, I forgot. Just joking

My memoir, Odyssey of a Derelict Gunslinger: A Saga of Exposing TV Preachers, Corrupt Politicians, Right-Wing Lunatics…and Me is available at amazon.com, soft-cover or Kindle and at independent bookstores like the Cottonwood in Baton Rouge. It offers $19.99 worth of laughs and much more. The book is an account of my illustrious (I choose the adjectives) investigative reporting career. jblisscamp@aol.com.